I'm feeling twitchy right now. I can't explain it. It's not really anxiety -- I'm not worried or stressed about very much right now. I'm sad that one of my best friends is moving away from WI. I understand WHY she is going and I know that this is probably a very, very good move for her, but it still sucks. I'm just feeling lost in a lot of ways right now. Here are some of the biggest things to happen in my life in the past 2 months (or so)
1. One of my best friends was hospitalized because her kidney transplant (from 2 years ago?) failed and it was a very scary situation. I feel like there is more going on than I know (or need to know) and that's a really tough thing to watch someone go through.
2. I was screened for ADD/ADHD and from all the research I've done, it describes me. A light when on and I said, "Oh, I get it. That's me...that's me... yep, that's me too...." so I'm trying to learn more about what it means, figure out how to make adjustments to my daily life at home and at work so that I can continue to do my best for others without completely destroying my health or sanity in the process...
2b. My insurance company is moving at a SNAILS pace to approve further ADHD testing for me -- without the testing, there is no way for me to at least consider medication that might help my focus and short term memory retention. Which impacts item #2 and is starting to stress me out.
*On a happy note, I did find out more about why I feel physically exhausted throughout the day that is linked to ADD/ADHD...and I found some new things to try... so I AM trying... and that gives me hope for each new day. :)
3. My grandma died. She was 3 months shy of turning 98. I know what you're probably thinking... She was almost 98. You're 37. This shouldn't really be that big of a deal for you. Well, it is. She was my "step" grandma because my grandpa got remarried after my grandma P died in 1979. Since 1980, Grandma Barb has been part of my life. She's the only grandmother I've had since Grandma L died in 1990 and the only grandparent I've had at all since 1995 when grandpa P died. I had NO biological grandparents alive to witness my college graduation, my missionary trip to Guatemala, my seminary graduation, my wedding (even my grandma Barb didn't make it to town for that), the birth of my daughter... My grandma Barb loved getting letters and photos and would send nice cards and notes back to us. She loved yellow roses and one year for Mother's Day I sent her a bouquet of yellow roses to surprise her. She was feisty, smart, spunky. I have many good memories of fishing with her and my grandpa, playing "Skip Bo" at their house, watching football on Thanksgiving, family meals, etc. She was a wonderful cook who was up at the crack of dawn to get things prepared for meals. I just miss her. I didn't get to visit her very often once I became an adult but I just miss the fact that now I can't even SEND her photos of my daughter. The last thing we mailed to her was a homemade note from my 4 year old. She had taken a 1-800-Flowers catalog and (on her own) cut out some flowers and used a glue stick to put some on some white paper. I helped her spell out "Happy Easter" and then she wrote her name on both of them. We mailed one to Todd's grandma (who is almost 93) and sent the other to my grandma, along with the latest (4 year old) professional photos we had done in March. Some days it doesn't bother me as much to know that all my grandparents are in heaven, safe and sound and loved. Some days I miss them. All of them.
4. Well, my good friend moving from WI back to ID. She's been a good friend and could practically be a younger sister to me. She made moving back to WI from ID (where I only got to live for a year) suck LESS -- well, she and of course coming home to Todd! He was the BEST reason to move back! But the fact that she'd found a teaching job in WI, even 2.5 hours away from my house, was still good because I still got to see her and hang out with her. That was always fun. And I feel like now she GETS to go back to Idaho, gets to visit all our awesome/fun/terrific friends out there...and I'm stuck here. Nothing against my friends here in WI. I genuinely love you. I just miss my gang from out there a lot too. So now that 'link' is gone.
5. I'm not sleeping well. I haven't been for a long time, but it's getting worse. I feel like every time I go to the doctor, I've got something new to complain about. Not really complain, just report to him. He actually seemed almost "excited" that I am snoring loudly and waking myself up several times at night...because if it's sleep apnea, then there are possible treatments for that which could impact a lot of the other health questions that I have had lately. Oh joy. I guess it is something to be cautiously optimistic about, right? I think the lack of good sleep impacts not only mood, but energy level, eating habits -- everything. I'd like to get back to having more energy and feeling more "normal".
6. Usually I spend my whole summer planning out things for the next school year, getting some lesson plans/units planned out, etc. This summer I'm just feeling stuck. A little overwhelmed. This past year has been one of the most unusual for me. When I worked at St. P's, I had the 2 hours in the car everyday, rain/blizzard/sunshine, to listen to audio books, or music, or comedy, and have some 'alone time' (as strange as that sounds). It was a little TOO far and sometimes a little TOO stressful to do all that driving, but I loved my job, the people I worked with, the kids, everything. And even if I didn't feel like every subject that I had to teach was my "best", I learned and grew a lot in the process and genuinely felt like I did a good job. When I moved to ID, I was bursting with new ideas. Some which I could implement, some which were shot down...but I loved that job. I loved the paperwork/phone call/meetings part of being a principal. I loved the interaction with the staff (most of them... even the 'difficult' people still taught me a lot!). I loved teaching for part of the day. I loved the location. To give that up was really difficult but I didn't have a choice -- my husband was here and there was a job in a local Lutheran school here, so there was nothing to debate. The schedule at CLS was incredible my first year. Teaching the subjects I loved most -- religion, social studies, and reading! And technology, which is always interesting and fun. I actually had prep time of 30 mins/day! Once a week, I had an HOUR of prep time! I felt like I could keep up with things and life was pretty good. Well, there were other issues but I liked the new schedule. I didn't know how the could afford to give us the prep time... and it turns out, they couldn't afford it. After everything that happened last summer (I won't relive it here) and being thankful just to HAVE a job this year... I worked my butt off this year to keep up with everything. And I know that most of the other people on staff did too. For the first time in my career, though, so much of the structural part of the school's operations is not in place and it's exhausting as we keep teaching without a lot of that in place. We do the best we can and I think we're doing a great job... I'm just impatient.
Well, writing this out has felt helpful. It doesn't really matter to me if other people read it or not. If you do, I hope there is at least some little part of it that connects with you and makes you feel as if you're not the "only" one dealing with that issue.
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